So it has been almost 2 weeks since I've blogged (and even longer since I've posted pictures)...Let me try my best to explain why...Not sure how this will come across...
It's August, as everyone knows, but for me, that means I've entered my "bubble." I call it my bubble, because it's a quiet place where I hide myself and let go of my emotions all by myself. I find my bubble on our back porch, on the bed, in my car, and anywhere else where the memories come flooding back. It's my little place, and I've been there more than not lately. Here's why:
Once we enter August, it becomes "the month we had the wreck." I count down the days until the 27th and then wish that day away. September hits, and then I count down the days til the 20th, reliving each day in the hospital as if it were last week. My bubble "pops" on the 21st when I have the peace that our family is "at home" again.
During this time, I must admit to you that I shut a lot of things out. I don't have the energy or true emotion to commit to things I can avoid. I try to busy myself with family and cherish the moments that God has graciously given us. Sometimes I just sit and think. I try to focus on the positives and all God has done but am often overwhelmed by sadness.
Please don't judge me, I am so thankful for God's grace. I realize that He could have taken Jeremy and Stephen 2 years ago and that the 27th could be a day of true sorrow. I thank him for the gift of my family. That doesn't, however, take away the pain. It can't erase the memories of the comas and the breathing tubes and all those moments of uncertainty. I trust God and know His ways are perfect, but I cannot pretend to be a "super Christian." It still hurts, especially now.
For some reason, this 2 year anniversary has even been harder than last year. I guess it's because we were so busy last year with Fox 8, the special service at church, finishing the book, etc, that I really didn't have time to think about everything. I'm not as busy this year and have found myself in a new place; a new home. Thankfully, though, God hasn't changed. He still understand, and He wipes away my tears daily.
So, I guess I'm writing this to say that I'll be back to blogging once my bubbles pops.=) Or maybe when it just gets a little smaller, and I can focus more. We would appreciate your prayers. Please thank God also when you do pray for the amazing miracle He has done in our lives. His plans are perfect! Thanks!=)
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Tiff, I cant even imagine what you go through daily! Not just in Aug. I would be a basketcase everytime I thought about anything you had to endure. As I read your book, I weeped. Especially the parts about Stephen. Now that I am a parent I can not even imagine. You hid it well though. I told someone today, some of the feelings you described in your book, I would have never guessed you had! Hopefully it will get somewhat easier as the years pass, but it will always be there! We are so thankful for God's miracles in your life. Praying for you all and love you guys!
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks for being so transparent. I guess that since your story had such a happy ending that I never thought about the residual emotional effects it would have on you.
ReplyDeleteYour accident had such a profound effect on me that I consider it to be a "watershed moment" in my life. I was working in the church nursery when I got the news. I was supposed to have been taking care of Stephen in the nursery...it was all so surreal. I just went back on my old blog and reread a post I did 6 weeks after the accident. I remember it like it was yesterday...
I think you are probably right about how it is harder now that you are not as busy. I have heard people say that when a loved one dies, the hardest part is after the funeral is over and everyone goes home. Though you did not experience a death, it was still an extremely traumatic experience.
It is OK to retreat to your bubble. I know exactly what you are talking about. I've retreated to a bubble too, though for different reasons. It seems there are times when the Lord is working on us, and we just want to be alone to think and process what is going on without anyone else's imput.
I will remember you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this with us. You were strong when you needed to be (through the Lord, I know). May the Lord give you peace and rest.
I hope you know how much we love you and know the pain you went through during this time. I know the feeling of reliving because there are times in my life that I have also done this. There will be a time in your life that this fades (still there but not as intense). I am so glad you have most of all the Lord to help you through but also the people you have entrusted with this information. Know this that we love you and still understand the very very emotional rollercoaster you were on for not just a day or two but for months ++++. We will be praying for you during this time and thanking God that He allowed us to go through it with you. We love you and miss you very much.
ReplyDeletePrecious Tiffany,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you! You went through so much during that time with people surrounding you and supporting you but yet you were all alone in some ways. Your family needed you and as a wife and mother you had to be strong for your husband and child when you yourself needed so much healing. Those days of waiting and not being able to share the burden with Jeremy were so hard. The loss of your baby and then having to see Stephen suffer and not knowing what the future held for Jeremy. You watched everything, experienced each fear and had to wait on God to move on your family's behalf. As an observer I believe the accident took the most emotional toll on you. I think it naturally would affect a woman more but you were alert through those difficult days knowing what your family was facing and felt how bleak the situation looked at times.
You fought hard and brave, like no one I have ever seen. And God answered the miracle of your prayers. I knew before the accident what a godly woman you were but it was so much more evident as I watched you go through your storm. You have impacted my life in a way that no other woman has. You are such a blessing to me and encourage me in my own spirtual walk as well as in my roles as wife and mother.
It is ok for you to retreat right now but know that a whole host of others are lifting you up in prayer and holding you up in love.
May God's peace surround you.
Love,
Kim
My beautiful Daughter,
ReplyDeleteWith tears I write this as I know you are struggling with what happened two years ago. I wish I could put my arms around you and make it go away. I try not to question God, but when I look at the scars on you, Jeremy and my little Stephen my heart breaks in a million pieces and I want to just scream. I think of the beautiful grandchild in heaven and know that Mama is holding and loving this precious child. We know God has a plan and is still working through this miracle, but it still hurts. Tiff, I worried about you during all you went through as things moved so fast and you had to be so strong. I remember you being taken to the intensive care room to see Jeremy and praying, "Father I know you are crying too. If in the twilight you see Jeremy and it be your will, please send him back to me". Then we would roll you to Stephen's room and you would pray holding his little hand the prayer you prayed everyday with him before this happened, "This is the day the Lord hath made (in the hospital, you would add), we will rejoice and be glad in it." Then you would look at the nurses and ask them to be his Mommy cause you couldn't be there. With tears in their eyes they would assure you they would. Tiff, you never questioned God and He answered everyone's prayers and continues to work. You were such an inspiration to everyone and I couldn't be prouder. Now you need to let everyone love on you. It's ok to cry, remember and even feel sad. You will get through this and I am so proud of you and the Mother you are to my grandsons. If I could send you flowers everyday to ease the pain, I would. If I could send you a card everyday to ease the pain, I would. But I know that God will do what we can't. I love you, Tiff, with all my heart. Mama
My precious wife and my STRONG right hand,
ReplyDeleteYou are simply amazing! You know I've put off reading this post ever since you posted it. Now after reading it and these comments that have been made, I realize two things:
1. A loving God knew exactly what He was doing when He chose you to be the one to carry through all of this storm.
2. We have some amazing people, that when the month of August and September role around choose to walk with us again through the storm as they did 2 years ago. I tink it's safe to say we are never alone in this.
We serve an amazing God, and yes the scares both physically and mentally are hard (much harder fo you than me). The question though that He continues to pop in my head is "Do you really want me to heal all of those?" The answer I ineveitably give every time is NO. If the scares bring me His presence, then I will most assuredly keep each and every one. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes.
I'll end with something that is probably not much consolation. I plan to walk with you and cry with you for as many August and September's the Lord allows me to.
I love you and thank you for being the rock of our family.